I had an Affair!

Holidays are about love...right?  I tried to be a good person.  I tried to focus on my family and the real reason for the season, but when she walked through  my front door, I knew I would succumb.  I put her in the kitchen thinking that if she just stayed in there, I wouldn't want her.  That's what affairs are about, right...wants and not needs.  I didn't need her; I had everything I needed before she ever came to visit.  But, what are you gonna do when old friends show up for the holidays?  Should I have left her out on the front doorstep like the trash that some say she is.  She's just as guilty as I am...at least I think so.  So here's how it all happened.  OR..."see, what had happened was!"

I was cleaning house just before Christmas (yeah, I'm a dude who gets an extended holiday break...and I like to have a clean house before people come over...sue me!) and the doorbell rang.  I dropped the vacuum (ok, I didn't drop it because it's a pretty expensive machine and does more work than either of my kids) and headed to the door.  When I saw her, I knew she was trouble.  I mean, who shows up at your front door for the holidays draped in plastic wrap...or any day like that for that matter?  She was trouble and I knew it.  Oh, she didn't come alone; she brought two friends with her, but they at least had the decency to cover up.  I ushered the three of them into the house before my neighbors could see my scantily clad front door visitors.  Being a good host, I settled them in and made them comfortable.  I figured the one dressed in only plastic wrap might get cold, so I found her a warm place to rest.  I made my apologies and left them to finish cleaning house.  But, I knew as soon as I had turned the vacuum back on that I was in trouble. 

I vacuumed, mopped, dusted, folded laundry...I even cleaned a toilet trying to forget her, but I couldn't.  She was there in the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind.  Each time I closed my eyes or found myself lost in thought (lol...if you find yourself lost in though, are you really lost any longer?), she was there.  I know I sound weak, but man...I could see right through what she was wearing.  She was perfect: beautiful light brown in hue, firm where it mattered...in fact, I marveled at her symmetry.  Still, I'm a strong man, so I resisted the urge to "visit" with her.  I knew it would be wrong...she wouldn't be good for me...she would only lead to other bad things.  I should have sent her to stay with other relatives or friends; I should have put her right back in her car when she arrived.  But, I didn't...and I was weak. 

Alas, one night during my holiday break, I didn't eat dinner with the rest of my family...no, I gave in to her wanting glances.  I walked into my kitchen...the kitchen my wife and I share, and I...I ripped off her plastic wrap excuse for a covering.  It was the beginning of the end for me...I just couldn't help myself.  She looked too good...smelled too good.  So, I cut myself a larger-than-I-needed piece of pecan pie and gave in. 

She was good...real good.  But now she's gone, and all I'm left with is a painful reminder of her every time I step on the scale. 

Hello...my name is Jordan, and I love pecan pie..especially when Becky Bates makes it!